The Turtle Walks on the Clouds

The Patriots stand at the cutting edge of football philosophy, theory, and technology. We spoke with Patriots "football communications" director Harlan Thunder Eagle.

DSP: "What history brought you to the New England Patriots?"

HTE: "Thank you for asking me here today. Like all teams, the Patriots are interested in secure communications between the sidelines and the players. As you know, NFL teams transmit offensive and defensive signals electronically via specially designed helmets. The Patriots look for redundancy in communications security. I have expertise in secure communications."

DSP: "Can you elaborate?"

HTE: "You're familiar with the movie "Wind Talkers?" During World War II, the Marines recruited Native Americans to facilitate speedy, reliable, and 'unbreakable' communications. Several of the Native American languages have unique grammar and syntex, understandable only to a very few outside of native speakers. For example, if you wanted to represent "football", you might use the word "turtle" or call a blitz using the Navajo words for "red dog."

DSP: "Fascinating. And if you wanted to transmit the message to remove air from a football?"

HTE: "That would take some imagination, Doc. I suppose we might combine the words "cloud" and "turtle" or a brief sentence, "the turtle walks on the clouds." That's never really come up."

DSP: "Is this reflected in the Patriots' playbook?"

HTE: "As you know, Navajo is not a written language. So, even discussing a written representation of the signs and symbols we use really has no meaning. You hear discussion about football having its own language, and we believe that to be quite literally true.

DSP: Can you give me an example of a play call? Let's say you want to send Gronk on a deep fly pattern. What might you say?

HTE: We would have a unique name for Gronk. We could choose any animal, but let's say we chose "white buffalo." We could use a bird to signify pass or a weapon or even a type of weather, all of which could change from game to game or quarter to quarter. So deep pass could be 'buffalo wind' or 'buffalo arrowhead' or 'buffalo falcon'. It's very flexible, variable, and of course, we would be using the Navajo for buffalo, not "Y" or "H" or Gronk."

DSP: "You're not in Kansas anymore, Mr. Thunder Eagle."

HTE: "True happiness comes only to those who dedicate their lives to the service of others."

Secret Weapons of the New England Patriots

Yes, they've done it again. The Patriots have used subterfuge, deception, and sleight of hand to advance to the Super Bowl.

There's no way that the Declining Duo (Belichick and Brady) could possibly extend their incredible lucky streak through preparation, practice, and execution. The Patriots didn't cheat through advanced imaging techniques, manipulating the weather, contrived formations, or even by changing game conditions by tilting the playing surface by adjusting football air pressure. No, something far more nefarious was at work.

At the secret New England Patriot unicorn breeding and training facility, the Krafts use their "invisible hand" to change the course of history once again. Threatened by their perpetual rivals (Broncos) and up-and-comers (Colts), the Pats went into high gear with improved and enhanced unicorn breeding techniques.

And the results? Simply spectacular, as unicorns turned Wonder Boy Andrew Luck into a one-trick pony of sorts, with a career low passer rating of 23, no touchdowns, and a pair of picks.

The NFL promised a swift, comprehensive, and resource-intensive investigation.

What Does the Fox Say?

John Fox finds himself out of a job. There's an old saying about "great players make coaches great." But when it was accountability time for the Broncos, the coaches were gone, Peyton Manning got the injury "get out of jail free" card, and the rest of the Broncos high-priced roster got off scot free.

First, to paraphrase a famous NFL quarterback's equally famous wife, John Fox might say, "I can't call the pass plays and throw the ball, too." Peyton Manning's 2 for 12 completion record on passes beyond fifteen yards can't be dismissed in the Colts' upset of the Big Horses. Is John Fox accountable for Manning's injury, for Manning's contract, or Manning's uneven (11-13) playoff record? No, no, and only a little.

Manning is an unquestionable Hall of Fame quarterback, among the top half a dozen all-time, but at some point, the "What Have You Done for Me Lately" refrain has to get played. It's not like the Broncos won't sell out without him, and to say Manning is on the back nine of his career is beyond generous.

Wes Welker's career in Denver also proven inconsistent. Like most, I speculate that the cumulative (literal) impact of too many hits and concussions reduced his effectiveness. Welker had a wonderful career, but his 2014/2015 campaign certainly wasn't close to his sizable payday.

Aqib Talib is a ProBowl corner, but got schooled by T.Y. Hilton. That happens in the NFL, where talent meets talented every Sunday.

The reality for Fox is that there are only two kinds of coaches, active and destined to be fired. I haven't seen a lot of criticism for John Elway, and I'm not sure there will be. Elway loaded up and the Broncos went for it, but an aging, injured, and ineffective Manning got outdueled by his Indianapolis replacement. Irony resides for Fox that he was the beneficiary and the casualty of the vicissitudes of Peyton Manning's effectiveness.

Hall Pass

This week we got several newly minted Cooperstown selectees - Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez, John Smoltz, and Craig Biggio. Meanwhile, far better players than the latter, tainted with the stain of presumptive PED use, specifically Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens get shut out, likely for eternity.

Maybe personality contaminates part of the process. Neither Bonds nor Clemens were universally loved. Greatness often carries arrogance as excess baggage. One need not review the numbers for either, staggering as they are amidst baseball pantheon of stars. Bonds' and Clemens' statistical achievements are Nintendo-like compared to mere mortals.

Maybe it gets back to the 'appearance' of Hall of Famers.

Young A's slugger Mark McGwire (Bruce Banner). 

Veteran Cardinals' slugger McGwire (The Incredible Hulk).

We want our heroes to carry themselves in a certain way, apparently something less than the cartoonish metamorphosis that transformed excellent players into superheroes or super freaks, depending on your point of view.

Baseball doesn't want a separate "Steroid Wing" in Cooperstown. But let's not pretend that sports are as American as apple pie and motherhood. Have you ever had a bad piece of apple pie? I confess that I've had an occasional experience there. But perhaps baseball needs a separate wing, where the "usual suspects" are recognized/scrutinized.

You know who's who on the above list. Sammy Sosa can't carry Frank Robinson's shoes. McGwire versus Killebrew? Puh-lease. I believe that Barry Bonds would have made this list without "the cream and the clear." But the last time I checked, Rafael Palmeiro averaged something like fifteen homers a year for his first five full seasons. His career numbers suggest that a 'good' chess player suddenly became a Grandmaster. I'm not buying that bill of goods.

But how do we resolve the inflated numbers, the misrepresentation or overrepresentation of juiced (or allegedly so) cheaters?

I would have favored an "amnesty" program for those who acknowledged cheating. "If you cheating, you ain't trying." In the Age of Cheaters, being a juicer wasn't really 'outlier' stuff. The Best of the Juicers still were the best of their era, or so that argument goes. But the first part of redemption is admitting you cheated.

Let's face it, this isn't about solving world hunger, Middle East peace, or even agreeing on Global Warming. Whether Jeff Bagwell belongs in the Hall is a pleasant distraction (four homers one season in AA), not redacted CIA data. But I'm coming around to thinking that Bonds and Clemens belong in Cooperstown (and Pete Rose the player), even if it means having a separate exhibit detailing the sordid details of the Steroid Era.

Zebras Kill Lions

The NFL clamped down on defensive holding and domestic violence this year. Unfortunately, they now have to face an officiating crisis.

Tonight's Lions-Cowboys contest saw a man bites dog outcome, with a DPI (defensive pass interference) call overturned that WAS clearly a penalty under old or new rules and a series of penalties on the ensuing drive spur the Cowboys on to a victory. The officials called a penalty, then inexplicably picked up the flag.

Former NFL Official Supervisor Mike Pereira commented that it was definitely DPI.

Rumors circulate that Vegas had called this game for the Cowboys. Twitter was lit up with conversations about official intervention in the outcome.

Seriously, sports fans live with bad plays, bad decisions, and bad calls every day. Coaching a basketball game yesterday, I had the OPPOSING COACH come up to me and say, "did you do something to these officials? They're calling everything against you."

Officials are human. They make mistakes, which is why instant replay both came into being and have regularly expanded. But today's series of calls makes you wonder HOW OFTEN games are thrown or fixed. We know from the Tim Donaghy experience that professional sports officiating shenanigans happen.

The sad part of today's game isn't that the Cowboys won or the Lions lost. Rather it's the reality that the officiating calls the integrity of the game into question. And that's a question that just won't disappear as easily as the Lions.

It Ain't Easy Being Green

Rajon Rondo returned from his liberation to Dallas, and toasted the Celtics with a 29 point performance en route to a rout of his former team. His shooting woes disappeared for a night as he drained 5 of 7 from international waters and put on a vintage 'big game' show. 

Gary Washburn describe him in "The Boston Globe" as polarizing. Perhaps even more than that, Rondo's Boston play and attitude was mercurial. 

Professionalism is the will to 'get after it', even when you don't feel like it. The NBA season is a hundred game marathon, where fatigue and travel intersect 'a sprinting game' and the reality of facing twenty-five to fifty screens a night as an NBA guard. Those 'hard' words of commitment, discipline, energy, and sacrifice trump authenticity. Rondo's acknowledgement of not playing defense for a couple of years indict his desire for megabucks. When your honesty exceeds your integrity, then you have a character flaw, no matter who you are. 

Truly great players perform at or near their best more often than near great players. Rondo had many great Boston moments, but his admission of laziness surely sullies his reputation and his quest for a hundred million dollars. 

Kevin Eastman would say, "you are responsible for your paycheck." If you want a max deal, then only in a dystopian world do you get it with an occasional triple double punctuating sub 40 percent field goal and free throw percentages. I get the 'body of work' argument AND the Janet Jacksonian "What Have You Done for Me Lately?" one, too. But it's hard to be a 'disinterested' Superman...it ain't easy being Green. 

I'm not the biggest Rondo fan, not because of his personality but because of his inconsistent play. Yesterday's candor only reaffirmed my belief that moving him was the right option for the C's. In a perverse way, Rondo's performance last night only proved that point...because he literally lacked the will to do the same on the parquet for the Celtics. If you want to be the face of the team, then you must also be its heart and soul. 

Strange Fascination

Rajon Rondo returns to Boston. It will be all Rondo, all the time today as the prodigal Mavericks (how appropriate) point guard returns to the parquet.

Rondo had a mercurial, mostly successful career in Boston. He led the 2008 team to an NBA championship, wowed crowds with his passes, and drove coaches crazy with his independent, sanctimonious streak. 

Whether you love him or have a different opinion, he doesn't change. He is the ultimate "to thine own self be true player." He is a pass-first, nonshooter, far above average rebounding guard who has supreme confidence that his way is the right way. 

When you think of players likely to become coaches, you don't think of Rondo. Why? It isn't that he lacks the skill, knowledge, or will, but he is Mr. Inflexible. 

His free agency should be fascinating. Ultimately, you are worth what your employer agrees to pay. Clippers' exec Kevin Eastman would say, "you are responsible for your paycheck." If Rondo helps the Mavs will a title, he will get paid. If it's something less, along with head-butting with Rick Carlisle, then what will the bucks say? 

If I were at the Garden, I'd cheer him enthusiastically back, then anoint him the villain once the game starts. He's not a Celtic anymore, and it's not so clear that he always was. Rondo is his own man, for better and for worse, for richer or for poorer, until trade do us part. 

I don't enjoy his style of play, as I think it inhibits optimal ball movement. I'd rather watch the Spurs or even the Triangle offense. But that's what I like to watch. Welcome back and good buy.