Secret Weapons of the New England Patriots

Yes, they've done it again. The Patriots have used subterfuge, deception, and sleight of hand to advance to the Super Bowl.

There's no way that the Declining Duo (Belichick and Brady) could possibly extend their incredible lucky streak through preparation, practice, and execution. The Patriots didn't cheat through advanced imaging techniques, manipulating the weather, contrived formations, or even by changing game conditions by tilting the playing surface by adjusting football air pressure. No, something far more nefarious was at work.

At the secret New England Patriot unicorn breeding and training facility, the Krafts use their "invisible hand" to change the course of history once again. Threatened by their perpetual rivals (Broncos) and up-and-comers (Colts), the Pats went into high gear with improved and enhanced unicorn breeding techniques.

And the results? Simply spectacular, as unicorns turned Wonder Boy Andrew Luck into a one-trick pony of sorts, with a career low passer rating of 23, no touchdowns, and a pair of picks.

The NFL promised a swift, comprehensive, and resource-intensive investigation.